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There are nights, when I’m just sad and depressed. And I don’t really know why.
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I have been meaning to make a post. Indeed the thoughts that travel through my mind never stop. But, each night I come home late and tired from the gym, my mind from a long day of work and school exausted. Not as though those are a bad thing, I love the whole process of actually thinking to do my job, but… No more time to my own thoughts. To indulge in my analysis of people, to judge and critisize, to formulize theories and statements. I love creating facts, creating solid definitive statements. Theorums. But…. thats the thing, I love creating them, but after they are created, its quite useless to me. I couldn’t care less bout the ideas i just theorized after I’ve concluded them. The journey is great, but the destination is…. pointless. Like taking a journey to a country you always wanted to go to, but as soon as u get there, u come back home becuz u no longer have any interest in the country.
My obsession with answers, I think is simply that. I only care about knowing, once I know well… its cool and all, but its the learning process that I love. I had a conversation today, with my old philosophy professor, we had extensively talked about multiple statements I had about human nature and in extension, all things relating to that (religion, morals, ethic, etc,) She asked me why I never followed any of them, she said they were great ideas, capable of being great actual philosophical ideals if I organized them. But to me, I had no desire to, I realized I had lost interest once I found the answer. Of course, I had a new idea now, based upon the old one, and I would follow to find the answer for this new one, but disregard the old one, and in that, I could never actually really formulate anything, it was just one thinking jumping to the next, by themselves great ideas, and the flow could be seen, but it was to chaotic. It needed order, and well, I really didn’t give a shit enough about them to order them. Its not that I’m lazy, its just, I had no real desire to. I don’t value them as precious as say, my philosophy professor.
Perhaps that is why I am in research, because I care so much for finding answers. Philosophy is not my disease, but rather a symptom. I crave to know, I must know, I will find any method possible and if none exists, make a new one. And thats the beauty of it, from this death, comes life. The process is never jaded, it is made anew. It is replaced,disformed, changed. Always the original, but something added. And now, my mind is tired/
Anonymous said: Are you in love with your girlfriend?
Are you my girlfriend? It appears so
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So before I go to bed after a long exausting but very enjoyable and fun day, I thought I should make a post. I am a man where I value intentions more than actions and outcomes. For an intention defines you, now whether everything happened the way you wanted it to or not. My girlfriend today, set up a beautiful day. It was very simple, nothing extreme. Some would say it wasn’t even a birthday celebration. But i am a simple man, and for me, this was great. It was a day where I spent it with my gf, and she even planned a little surprise birthday party. It meant a lot to me, when I saw it didn’t go as planned, I wanted to find out why and give hell to whoever was responsible. Quite frankly, someone was gonna get fucked up, either verbally or physically. Although it all eventually came to work out just fine. But the thought, the effort, thats what matters. The fact that she put time for me, that she planed for me, it meant everything. And I must say, i thouroughly enjoyed it, I am a simple man with simple pleasures that when given the oppertunity to do something different, I won’t take it. I don’t want any special day, I just want a normal day, relaxing, chilling, with my gf. And thats what happened. My favorite meal, a few activites I like, and for me it was perfect. The surprise was simply icing on the cake, and it worked out great.
So thank you baby, it was an amazing 20th birthday and I loved every single second of it (all of it).
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I cannot describe how happy it makes me. The problem a lot of people have is, they don’t know what they want to do in this world. My job is my purpose, my hobby, my entertainment. Everyday making tiny little discoveries a little discovery here, another one there. All my little secrets jotting down in my notebook. Discoveries that have never been published before. I am…. discovering science. Discovering the joys of good results, and learning from the failures. Nothing is more satisfying than having a failure, making a hypothesis, correcting failure due to hypothesis, and seeing improved results.
Today, I got results, that in the history of publications and our lab, is unrecorded (in a good way). Results so good, that they are unmatched by years and years of data. Which, if i can recreate, I can make my very own publication and contribution to the science community; but i digress, I love waking up everyday and going to work, I love working 8 to 10 hour shifts for days in a row. I don’t come home tired, but energized, excited, anticipating and already creating different theories to try the next day. And the best part is, I’m my own boss. Any theory I come up with, any idea, I can do. If an anology were to be put into play I guess it would be this, it is like an artist, a musician. He has been given an entire orchestra, and he can come in, and make any type of song/arrangement he likes. He can spend days and days, no rush, to finish his masterpiece. Or a painter given an entire studio and endless supplies to paint. A person, given the freedom to do what they love… to create their own little masterpiece in the world.
I can never not reblog these
It was a hot humid day. My vacation time back in my childhood neighborhood. Rolled the joint on the private beach house, and took a fat hit. Then went for a swim in the gulf. The thing with bays and gulfs in the caribean is, the waters warm. Felt a bit cooler than a jacuzzi, but warmer than a pool. The nice balance to just chill, to just float away comfertably. Then we see the clouds, dark and menacing approaching. The loud rumbling and tumbling of the thunder. Many would run in fear from such a sight, but for me, it was just the thrill. The rain started falling around me, gently, at first. It was cold, but the water was nice and warm, the waves started increasing. I was rocking back in forth, warm and comfy. I was a baby and the ocean my cradle. Then thunder, purple and loud. Tearing open the sky. A normal nice evening turned to darkness real quick. Then the rain came thundering down. Pounding on my face and head. The only escape was in the water. Down there, all you could hear was the pounding, nothing but water hitting water. The thunder sounded distant and far away, shielded. The water was there, covering my ears and eyes protecting me. Water funnels started to form not to far away, and the waves intensified 10x fold. Logic finally found its way as i realized how far from the shore i had drifted. But it was childs play in the gulf to swim back. It wasn’t the ocean, only a playground. I found my way back to land, sadly walking away from my dreamland.
There I was, the last day of my vacation on a boat. I didn’t actually plan to get stoned, luck would have it, or fate, I came across a man smoking a joint. We shared no language, only an understanding. WIthout a word, he handed me his joint as we took some hits in silence. We smiled and walked away from each other. In the mediterarean, the water is smooth, calm and nice. It was a full moon and the wind was howling. But it was warm, it felt nice on my face. At times it attempted to push me overboard, but it only seemed like it was playing with me, I felt no fear. I watched the moonlight bounce over the water. Reflecting its light unto me. The jellyfish beneath us flowing, displaying a multitude of colors in the ocean. I sat there alone, at 3 in the morning on that boat, gently rocking in the sea, stoned, watching. So many ships have passed by, centuries of people, so many wars fought on this sea. And there I was, just another one, silently watching the sea.
After a very long sober break I finally broke it. And I realized, this is not for everyone. Not everyone can handle this feeling these emotions and thoughts this….. disconnection. I realized this, becuz with no prior knowledge of how to handle the situation, I gently rided out the trip. Not only did I ride it out, I enjoyed it, embraced it, I was able to grasp the world in my hand with it. I see now, Drugs are not for everyone. I can go years with nothing, but then come back and handle it as if I’ve been taking it for years. A natural talent of just being able to enjoy the feeling it gives you, to be able to co-operate with it and enhance it. No fear, no anxiety, only excitement and love. An innate form of talent I guess.
I see now, the world wishes to shun it becuz they can’t handle it, they fear what they can’t control. And those that can, they abuse it, misuse, mislabel it, and end up not being able to handle it to where they die or go insane. The world wishes me to think of this as something bad, something terrible, not a blessing, but a curse. I’m sorry, but I cannot conform. My major, my job, my life, revolves around it. Not just doing it, but understanding it.
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