Anonymous said: You're cute. I want your babies.
But I don’t want any babies!!!
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I realize now, that my one true place, to put my thoughts, is no longer safe. With no connections, I cared not who would see or what would happen. Mostly thoughts of people who cared but couldn’t see them. But now, thoughts of those I do care for, have access to these thoughts; these feelings and emotions. No longer can I banter/rant on about my thoughts of such individuals; for if I do, they will proceed with a response. Some thoughts are best left unsaid, to specific persons, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be said at all. And that’s what this is at the end of the day, thoughts that may necessarily not have been said, but nevertheless will be stated.
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This is why I call them stupid, why I don’t express my feelings. They’re stupid and never result in anything positive. Everything has its harmonic beautiful ways, everything is perfect and flows wonderfully. But then, i have to put my own feelings in the equation and fuck it all up.
I have recently been lacking self control over my emotions. Becoming somewhat of a crybaby. I need to regain control again and get a stronger grip over my feelings.
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There are nights, when I’m just sad and depressed. And I don’t really know why.
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I have been meaning to make a post. Indeed the thoughts that travel through my mind never stop. But, each night I come home late and tired from the gym, my mind from a long day of work and school exausted. Not as though those are a bad thing, I love the whole process of actually thinking to do my job, but… No more time to my own thoughts. To indulge in my analysis of people, to judge and critisize, to formulize theories and statements. I love creating facts, creating solid definitive statements. Theorums. But…. thats the thing, I love creating them, but after they are created, its quite useless to me. I couldn’t care less bout the ideas i just theorized after I’ve concluded them. The journey is great, but the destination is…. pointless. Like taking a journey to a country you always wanted to go to, but as soon as u get there, u come back home becuz u no longer have any interest in the country.
My obsession with answers, I think is simply that. I only care about knowing, once I know well… its cool and all, but its the learning process that I love. I had a conversation today, with my old philosophy professor, we had extensively talked about multiple statements I had about human nature and in extension, all things relating to that (religion, morals, ethic, etc,) She asked me why I never followed any of them, she said they were great ideas, capable of being great actual philosophical ideals if I organized them. But to me, I had no desire to, I realized I had lost interest once I found the answer. Of course, I had a new idea now, based upon the old one, and I would follow to find the answer for this new one, but disregard the old one, and in that, I could never actually really formulate anything, it was just one thinking jumping to the next, by themselves great ideas, and the flow could be seen, but it was to chaotic. It needed order, and well, I really didn’t give a shit enough about them to order them. Its not that I’m lazy, its just, I had no real desire to. I don’t value them as precious as say, my philosophy professor.
Perhaps that is why I am in research, because I care so much for finding answers. Philosophy is not my disease, but rather a symptom. I crave to know, I must know, I will find any method possible and if none exists, make a new one. And thats the beauty of it, from this death, comes life. The process is never jaded, it is made anew. It is replaced,disformed, changed. Always the original, but something added. And now, my mind is tired/
Anonymous said: Are you in love with your girlfriend?
Are you my girlfriend? It appears so
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So before I go to bed after a long exausting but very enjoyable and fun day, I thought I should make a post. I am a man where I value intentions more than actions and outcomes. For an intention defines you, now whether everything happened the way you wanted it to or not. My girlfriend today, set up a beautiful day. It was very simple, nothing extreme. Some would say it wasn’t even a birthday celebration. But i am a simple man, and for me, this was great. It was a day where I spent it with my gf, and she even planned a little surprise birthday party. It meant a lot to me, when I saw it didn’t go as planned, I wanted to find out why and give hell to whoever was responsible. Quite frankly, someone was gonna get fucked up, either verbally or physically. Although it all eventually came to work out just fine. But the thought, the effort, thats what matters. The fact that she put time for me, that she planed for me, it meant everything. And I must say, i thouroughly enjoyed it, I am a simple man with simple pleasures that when given the oppertunity to do something different, I won’t take it. I don’t want any special day, I just want a normal day, relaxing, chilling, with my gf. And thats what happened. My favorite meal, a few activites I like, and for me it was perfect. The surprise was simply icing on the cake, and it worked out great.
So thank you baby, it was an amazing 20th birthday and I loved every single second of it (all of it).
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I cannot describe how happy it makes me. The problem a lot of people have is, they don’t know what they want to do in this world. My job is my purpose, my hobby, my entertainment. Everyday making tiny little discoveries a little discovery here, another one there. All my little secrets jotting down in my notebook. Discoveries that have never been published before. I am…. discovering science. Discovering the joys of good results, and learning from the failures. Nothing is more satisfying than having a failure, making a hypothesis, correcting failure due to hypothesis, and seeing improved results.
Today, I got results, that in the history of publications and our lab, is unrecorded (in a good way). Results so good, that they are unmatched by years and years of data. Which, if i can recreate, I can make my very own publication and contribution to the science community; but i digress, I love waking up everyday and going to work, I love working 8 to 10 hour shifts for days in a row. I don’t come home tired, but energized, excited, anticipating and already creating different theories to try the next day. And the best part is, I’m my own boss. Any theory I come up with, any idea, I can do. If an anology were to be put into play I guess it would be this, it is like an artist, a musician. He has been given an entire orchestra, and he can come in, and make any type of song/arrangement he likes. He can spend days and days, no rush, to finish his masterpiece. Or a painter given an entire studio and endless supplies to paint. A person, given the freedom to do what they love… to create their own little masterpiece in the world.
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